Subject: This battle feels very long today.

Tuesday night, 2/3/98
Dear Friends and Family,
Brian slept really well Sunday night--9:00p.m. to 9:00 a.m.!!!!!  Susan had a
great night's sleep as well.  Monday was a very storny day in S.F.  Brian had
a quiet day.  Was hard to motivate him to move around much.  The doctor
insisted that he try to eat.  He bravely ate 2 tiny bites of apple and
immediately vomited.  He is on nauseau medication, but he felt like he had to
vomit the rest of the day.

He spent an hour with his therapist, Brett.  After that session, he agreed to
go to the playroom---It was closed by then--BUT , Brett stayed with us (We had
to have a hospital employee with us in order to stay.) so that Brian did not
have to return to his room.  It was bad enough 45 minutes later when Brett
said he had to go to a meeting and Brian broke down and put his face in the
play dough on the table and started crying.  He said, "I never get to do the
things I want to do. I want to stay in this room."  We told him he could take
the play dough to his room and he sadly said ok.    He sat in the wagon (his
transportation/wasn't up to riding the tricycle) in his room and played with
the playdough with Susan and Denny.

As it got late Brian said, "I don't like it when it gets dark.  I like the
daytime better."

Sara and Stan had a wonderful time at the Dan Fogelberg Concert.  An amazing
thing happened at the concert.  There were over 1000 there.  The people at the
table adjacent to them recognized them and said they were praying for Brian.
Sara and Stan did not know this pastor and his wife from Windsor.  Sara had
been having having trouble relaxing (She called me at the hospital between the
dinner and the concert.  She was crying and worried.).  The words from this
couple gave her comfort and she was able to enjoy the concert.

Stan and Sara returned to the hospital Sunday evening. 

Tuesday was a rough day.

The treatment for this kind of cancer is unusual in that it is so aggressive
that the patient never gets hardly any time (if any) to feel good.  It is not
chemo one day every 2 or 3 weeks.  It is 8 days of chemo; 2 weeks to recover;
8 days of chemo, etc. for 9 times.  This is more horrible than you can
imagine.

Today Brian had to have a bone marrow aspirate and biopsy.  This is very
painful and is done under anesthesia.  When they came to take him to the
operating room he started screaming.  He kicked and screamed all the way in
the elevator, and the whole time they were trying to anesthesize him.  He woke
up from the procedure and started screaming and kicking some more.  And he
said,

"The doctors and nurses are trying to kill me.  They are not making me better.
The medicine is making me die.  I'm going to die.  I want to get them all in
my room and tell them I'm going to kill them when I get old.  You're suppose
to be old when you die.  I'm going to die."

Sara said, "What does dying mean?"  He said, "You go to heaven."

Dying has not been discussed with Brian.  We have talked about fighting the
cancer and getting sick, but we've never mentioned dying.  Sara asked him
where he heard about dying and he said, "From myself."  He is very angry and
upset.  Unfortunately all the drugs designed to relax him don't work.  Many
have been tried.   He vomited twice today when nurses entered the room.  He is
very distraight.

And Sara and Stan are quite upset by today.  I would not have put this into
the e-mail, but we need your prayers to deal with this and you need to know
how bad things are right now.  We need Brian fighting the cancer and NOT the
doctors, nurses and his parents. 

Please pray that Brian is able to turn his anger towards the cancer.  Pray
that his counselor, Brett, will be able to help Brian work through his anger.
Pray that Sara and Stan will have the strength to face this daily battle.
Never a day is REALLY easy for them.  They are trying so hard to move forward
one day at a time, but it is hard when they know that everyday holds more pain
and upset for their son.

Chemo is scheduled to begin again on Thursday.  It is so important that Brian
is mentally prepared for this.  Pray that his is able to relax and face these
next 8 days of chemo.  Pray that the doctors are able to find a way to help
Brian deal with his frustration.

Your prayers and letters mean so much to all of us.  This is such a long
journey.  Please stay with us for the duration.

Love,
Susan

p.s. Corrections of last letter.  Their church is the Sebatopol Christian
Church and Brian's teacher is Miss Sonya.